Lost in Translation

So, I often wonder why it is that men and women are so different in their perception of what it is that the opposite sex is trying to say. Why can't we just say what we mean, or is it too much to ask that we all speak the same language? Men for the most part, I feel, say moreso what is on their minds. Women, for whatever reason have a hard time with that. Who the heck knows what women are talking about anyways? (See previous post: Manslation) I know that I sure don't.

A fine young lady stopped by my house today to visit with my roommates and I. In order to maintain the confidentiality between this friend and myself I'll just refer to her as..."Hannah". We proceeded to discuss the interworkings of her emotions towards another certain gentleman. After much poking and prodding the conversation wasn't getting anywhere. It was 3 on 1, my two roommates and I against her. We fired question after question, but she wouldn't budge. Finally in desperation we asked what exactly is it that you want? Ms "Hannah" didn't really seem to have an answer. But you can believe she was all sorts of flustered by our great debating skills and didn't stand a chance against our logic. So, not only did she further prove my theory that girls don't know what they want by actually admitting to it herself, but she then proceeded to try to convince my roommate Kyle to help defend her in her oh so weak position. She said, and I quote, in somewhat similar/my interpretation of her words...

Kyle, what is your opinion on said matter?

Well "Hannah", I think Donald and Kevin are absolutely right. I know that because Donald is pretty much amazing.... Eeh! Kyle, that's enough thank you!

She cut him off even before he had a chance to expound upon his oh so valid point! I believe what she meant to say was, "Kyle, please agree with whatever it is I have to say, if not please cease from speaking such blasphemes..."

Therefore bringing me back to my original point, woman really would be so much easier to understand if they all came with their own little book of translations. Life would be oh so much easier. No more guessing, no more wondering, no more getting in trouble for reasons we're not really even sure why... Then again, guys don't read instructions as it is anyways. So really, girls, don't fret too much because I suppose we'll love you no matter what language you speak.

Manslation

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

10. What do you think = Please repeat back to me what it is I want you to say



MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Hot dang!

5. I love you = Feed me, I'm still hungry.

6. I am bored = Feed me, hello.

7. May I have this dance? = Please let me touch you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = Can I please receive the secret code that when entered telephonically will lead me to you which would make it your beautiful "A" number?

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = What are the chances my crusty lips can interact with yours tonight?

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = Food + Female = Heaven on earth / The more food you have in your mouth the less I have to hear come out of it.

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

Why some single women just need to shut up?

Okay, so before all of my 4 female followers boycott me and rip me from head to toe, understand these are not my words! Part of my project for class was to write about an article in the news. I found this one. "Why some single women just need to shut up." I found it intriguing actually, ha.

So, the author, Wendy Atterberry, who I assume is female, goes on to say why she would appreciate it if her fellow women of the world would just quit whining. She says there are many woman who are perfectly content with being single, which is totally fine. But, the audience she chose to speak to was that of the many women who DO want somebody to cuddle with, somebody they can talk to, somebody they can, in the Mormon universe, spend eternity with.

She suggests that these ladies who, and I qoute, are "so committed to not compromising, to not being flexible, to not stepping a centimeter outside their comfort zone, or, God forbid, turning off their guilty pleasure TV, they refuse to actually GO OUT, mingle, maybe even meet someone nice," do just that and make a change. Ouch, faces...

Now, not to say that us guys are doing everything we should to ask all of you nice young ladies out, but just supporting the aformentioned post about how if a girl wants it, flaunt it! If you're not happy with your current dating situation make a change! Let me see that flirty side. Let me know you're interested. The other day I was chastised by a young lady for being home alone watching the Lakers steal a victory from the Denver Nuggets when I could have been out romancing some fine little fox. The point of my story is that she made the effort just to stop by and say hi, even though she ridiculed my hopeless dateless life. (still bitter by the way)

We were also counseled this week by Sister Clark at our "meet the President and his wife FHE" to not have some huge checklist of things we want in the opposite sex. Wendy Atterberry comments on the same saying, "But bear in mind, YOU aren't perfect, and there's not going to be a perfect person for you. If you refuse to settle for anything less, you're going to be lonely for a very, very long time." I learned a lot this week from both of those statements. Really, the object of life isn't to search out and find the ONE perfect person, it's to find that someone that makes you happy, that understands you, and that loves you with all their heart.

So, to wrap up this terribly long post, girls take a chance. You never know, that weirdo that sits behind you in your chem class who breathes heavily every time your eyes wonder in his direction could be your future mate! If not, in the words of Wendy, "for heavens sake, quit your whining. The rest of us don't want to hear it anymore!"

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/28/tf.happies.crappies.alone/index.html#cnnSTCText

Count your many blessings...

Girls, sometimes I feel like us guys try and try but to no avail. No matter what we do or what we say, it's just not good enough. You women are cold as ice. That's okay though, someday after you see what these lovely lads of the world have in store for you, I'm sure you'll come a crawling back. Enjoy!

How soon is too soon?

I used to think of myself as some would say, a "ladies man". Unfortunately I am in no way, shape or form, emphasis on "form", that which I once was. I use to be courageous, daring, bold, tender, caring, kisser of good, better yet, great kisses... ha. I had long flowing locks, a chiseled abdomen, and my gluteus maximus was to die for. I was even a stunt double for a few of those, "I can't believe it's not butter" commercials.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. The never ending supply of immitation butter got the best of me and my world soon came crashing down. Welcome to the present, fun loving, slightly chubby, new and not so improved version of me. Even during those aforementioned courageous non-existent years, I never knew when exactly I should try for the evasive "hand hold", the semi awkward "should I hug or handshake" moment, or the all-too terrifying "first kiss".

Having been home from my mission now for nearly a year and a half I've become more and more aware that I don't really have much of a spine. That is what I consider to be one of my greatest faults, along with that of many other males my age. We wait so long sometimes for that perfect moment, that it passes from our very hands. My question today is, how long is too long? When should we go for the hand? When should we try for the goodnight kiss? Are girls turned off by a guy who takes too long to make a move, or does it just make that first time even more memorable when it does happen? Should the girl take things into her own hands if the guy is scared out of his mind and shaking in his shoes? For all of us spineless fools in the world, ladies, please give us some sort of guidance, a timetable maybe! Oh, if only it were that easy...

Dating Vs. Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your butt any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder he will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you wonder how he got so "mushy."

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Just say no

To text or not to text, that is the question. So let's say I meet a girl and get her phone number. Ha, yeah right, hypothetical situation of course. As if I could really accomplish such a feat. Pretending that I did, what in our time and age is the appropriate choice?

A wise friend of mine tries to keep me on the straight and narrow with his old fashioned ways. He tells me,

"Donald, (in deep father like tone) you get what you put into the relationship. If you're not willing to make the effort to have that personal communication through a simple phone call, you won't get that personal relationship that you really desire."

Makes sense, right? Or does it? Guys do the ladies mind that we don't call to ask them out on a date, but settle for a quick text message instead? I used to hate text messages, they're so impersonal. Now, that's the only reason I ever even use my phone. Ladies, what do you want from that cute guy in your math class that keeps looking your way? Do you lose whatever interest you might have had when your phone vibrates signaling the cowardice of your crush, or does it even matter that much to you? I say boycott the T9 and let's return to the pre-information age way of life. Isn't it about time?

Girls, if you want it, flaunt it.

So, ladies. Hear me out. You gals posess within you a great power I feel you do not realize that you even wield. The power to pull and tug at the heart strings of poor unsuspecting little gentlemen.

Girls and guys are so different in so many ways. Here's one big one. Girls like guys, just after they've had a chance to develop a crush. Guys like girls, well, pretty much immediately. If I walk up and tell a girl I like her, if she didn't already like me first, I don't stand a chance in h-e-double hockey sticks of ever making it out of her "friend zone". However! If a certain young lady were to walk up to me and say, "Donald, I like you", that my friends is a different story.

Guys have the capacity to like and crush much faster than girls. Ladies, I don't know why you guys are so slow, but dog gone it, pick up the pace! So, my suggestion is this. Girls, if you like a guy, tell him! If he didn't like you before there's a pretty good chance he will now. You know how bad guys are at asking for directions, we need you to give us a little guidance. Point us in the right direction, namely at you, and we'll be ready and waiting to live happily ever after.